What to say, and the hour to say it in.

Timing does more work than wording

Almost everybody has this conversation at the wrong hour. It gets had at midnight, when he is drunk, or at eight the next morning, when he is ill and ashamed and will agree to anything to end it. Neither is a conversation. One is an argument you will not be able to quote back, and the other is a promise made by a hangover.

The hour that works is a flat one. Mid-morning at a weekend. Early evening before anything has been opened. Sober, not ill, not hungry, nothing else happening for an hour after it.

The four sentences that never work

• “Do you know how much you drank last night?” He does, roughly, and the question makes the subject the number rather than the life. He will negotiate the number. You will lose, because you were not counting the first two.
• “If you loved me you would stop.” It is understandable and it is not true, and he knows it is not true, which hands him the argument.
• “This is your last chance.” Only say it if it is. Said and not meant, it teaches him that the next one will not be either.
• “You are an alcoholic.” Whatever it is, that word turns the conversation into a debate about a label instead of about Tuesday.

What tends to land instead

Describe, do not diagnose. One specific thing that happened, what it cost, and how it left you. “On Thursday you did not come to the school thing. I said you were working. I do not want to say that again.” It is hard to argue with an event.

Say what you are asking for, once, in one sentence. Not “you need to sort yourself out”, which is not a request. Something he could actually do this week: a doctor’s appointment, a conversation with somebody who is not you, two nights with nothing in the house.

Then stop talking. The silence afterwards is unbearable and it is the part that does the work. Most people fill it, apologise for having raised it, and end up comforting him about their own complaint.

What he will probably say

• That you are exaggerating. This is why one specific event beats a general worry.
• That everybody drinks like this. Sometimes everybody he drinks with does.
• That he will cut down. He may mean it at the time. Cutting down is a real route for some people and a delaying tactic for others, and the honest version of it involves a doctor rather than a promise made at a kitchen table.
• That you are the problem. Expect it, do not take the bait, and end the conversation rather than defend yourself for an hour. Ending it is not losing it.
• Nothing at all. Silence is not refusal. A great many men say nothing and then make an appointment three weeks later without mentioning it.

What you are allowed to want

You are allowed to want him to stop. You are also allowed to want the week to be predictable, to want to stop lying to his family, to want a night out that does not have a management problem in it, and to want to be asked how you are by somebody.

None of that requires him to change first. That is not a hint to leave. It is just true, and most people in this position have not heard it said.

If the reason you have not had this conversation is that you are frightened of what he will do, do not have it yet. That is a different situation, and it is the next page.